Will Pastors Marry Couples Living Together?
If you're searching for the answer to this question, I'm assuming you're a Christian and are already familiar with the deeply held beliefs of most churches regarding the covenant of marriage and expectations of refraining from premarital sex. However, many are unaware of the vastly different opinions held by different denominations regarding this topic. It's a current debate taking place within many churches and is one all Christians should study for themselves. Though I won't be sharing my personal opinion on the matter, I will, however, provide helpful information regarding what to expect and options if you are in this situation wondering: "Will my pastor marry me if I'm living with my fiance?"
SHORT ANSWER: It entirely depends on the pastor's theological beliefs regarding the meaning of marriage and sex. Though all denominations are different and enforce different standards, a survey conducted by LifeWay consisting of 1,000 randomly selected Protestant pastors found that a majority (58 percent) will perform weddings for couples they know are living together. Nearly a third (31 percent) will not, and 10 percent are not sure.
However, it is common for pastors to request you live apart from one another until you are officially married. This, of course, is due to the belief that those living together are participating in sexual intimacy prior to marriage. Though some couples simply can't afford to pay two separate rents and truly do refrain from sexual intimacy —while other couples have sex and don't even live together — Pastors have no way of knowing what happens behind closed doors. Therefore, many draw the line at living together due to what some believe is an "appearance of evil". However, some pastors have entirely different views on "premarital sex" and find no problem with living together before the official ceremony date.
Therefore, you will want to first check and see if there is a "Doctrinal Beliefs" section listed on your church's website and see if they have a "Marriage" or "Weddings" section. If not, you may want to ask the church secretary if your church has a specific policy prior to asking your pastor directly. Keep in mind, if a policy is in place, pastors are required to abide by these policies that have been agreed upon by the church leadership— regardless of your pastor's personal beliefs on the issue.
FULL ANSWER: The Biblical meaning of what it means to be married and what constitutes "morally acceptable sex" is actually a highly debated topic. There are some pastors who, though they do believe it is a sin to live together, still believe it is better to marry the couple so they will not continue to live in sin. However, there are also pastors and Bible scholars who do not believe it is a sin to live together, because they do not hold the belief that marriage begins after a ceremony is performed or once you obtain your marriage license — since marriages in the Bible did not require the government's permission to be "officially" married. Instead, some believe that marriage begins when a man and a woman have made a commitment in their hearts to each other before God and have consummated the marriage by becoming "one flesh". There are other Biblical scholars who believe the Greek word "porneía" has been translated incorrectly altogether— which is where the English translation of "sexual immorality" comes from.
To demonstrate the vastly different beliefs regarding this topic, here are just a few different opinions from Pastors, Bible Scholars, and Christian Bloggers with different denominational backgrounds (keep in mind these opinions do not necessarily reflect the entire denomination's point of view):
Q: What is your Opinion on Living Together prior to Marriage? Would you Marry the Couple?
Reformed Opinion: "I would marry them in certain circumstances. I start with the conviction that sexual relations outside marriage is sin. I think that is clearly taught in 1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee fornication,” and in 1 Corinthians 7:2,“Because of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” So I start there. I dealt with a number of couples over the years who are at different stages of spiritual maturity and commitment to Jesus and obedience to his commands. Some I have been willing to marry, and some I haven’t... If they see the wrong of what they are doing and repent and bear the fruit of purity and public display of the lordship of Jesus in their lives, then I would move forward with their wedding plan, all other things being in proper order. " - Pastor John Piper, "Derising God"
Mennonite Opinion: "The reason why there are no marriage ceremonies in the Bible is because marriage did not involve a ceremony. Marriage in the Bible simply consists of a man and woman, with the consent of the woman’s father or guardian, living together and attempting procreation. No vows, no priest, no ritual, no prayer, no pronouncement, no license, no registration. This is quite different from how we define and enact marriage today... For most of human history, marriage has simply been an agreement, recognized or arranged by the immediate families, for a man and woman to live together. Marriage as a legal institution, and as a religious ceremony, began as a result of the Reformation." - Pastor Ryan Ahlgrim, First Mennonite Church in Richmond, VA
Southern Baptist Opinion: "...The Bible teaches that intimate or sexual relations must be limited to the marriage relationship between a man and a woman. Any other sexual relationship is sinful. If you are currently sexually active, you must indicate your desire to repent of your sin. If you are living together, you must be willing to live apart from one another until you are married. Finally, I must require any couple planning to marry to receive premarital counseling... If you are willing to abide by the issues I state in this letter, please feel free to make an appointment with me, so we can determine next steps." - Thom S. Rainer, founder and CEO of Church Answers
Catholic Opinion: "...[T]he Church believes that the beautiful gift of human sexuality should be reserved for marriage. When you live with another person you are romantically involved with, you will likely share the same bed. You will shower in the same bathroom. You are likely to walk in on each other changing. These potential situations happen each day. In other words, this creates ample opportunities for temptation to engage in intercourse outside of marriage. Secondly, why do people move in together without being married? It’s because they haven’t made a commitment to each other yet, but they want to try out if they would like to get married. In other words, cohabitation is enjoying the benefits of marriage without the commitments. This is a selfish approach. People are not cars that can be “tested.” Such an approach objectifies the other person and, consciously or not, encourages an attitude of non-commitment towards the other person." - NA, "Catholics Come Home"
Nondenominational Opinion: "First off, “pre-marital sex” is a misnomer. It’s an invention of the Catholic church. The Scriptures make it very easy to determine who you can & can’t have sex with, and when you can & can’t have sex. So we’re really dealing with a leftover question from Catholic doctrine that Protestants never resolved. As I’ve written before, the great sleight of hand the Catholic church pulled on believers was requiring a license (i.e. permission) in order to marry a woman or engage in sexual intercourse. In the Scriptures, you will find absolutely ZERO requirements (or even examples) of a man getting permission from the government or a priest to have sex with or marry a woman." - J.T. Anderson, “The Red Pill Bible Guy”
Response Opinion: "Marriages in the Bible were celebrated and sanctioned by the community at a wedding feast, which was practiced according to the customs of that time–customs frequently alluded to in scripture. (Isaiah 61:10, Jeremiah 2:32, Matthew 25:1-10, Matthew 22:11-12, John 3:29, Revelation 21:2, Revelation 19:8-9). These marriages carried both religious and legal weight. The Bible considers marriage a covenant before God (Malachi 2:14, Proverbs 2:17, Ezekiel 16:8). Marriage relationships were recognized and honored in the legal code (Exodus 21:1-3, Numbers 30:12-14). Marriage was lifelong (Romans 7:2, 1 Corinthians 7:39) except in cases of divorce, which was restricted (Matthew 19:8). Biblical marriages were both religious (covenants before God and the community of faith) and legally recognized." - Kate Slater
So, will your pastor marry you if you live together? Clearly the only way to know this is to ask where your pastor stands on this topic. But, regardless of whether or not your pastor will marry you, keep in mind that his intent for you is good. One pastor said, "Every time I have declined to do so it has been in an attempt to help the couple, not to condemn them."
Though it may feel "condemning", "unloving," or "judgmental," remember that your pastor desires for your marriage to honor God and his convictions are deeply rooted in his interpretation of Scripture. If you have different theological beliefs, respect his, and find someone else to perform your ceremony. Also, remember that this is your pastor's profession, even if he would want to marry you, if there is a church policy that says otherwise, he can't simply make an exception for you —regardless if you have a close relationship with your pastor or not.
So, if your pastor won't marry you, here are your options:
1. Find a different pastor.
Though this may seem obvious, some people have never dreamt of anyone else marrying them than their own pastor. However, in the case where your pastor would require you to live separately and moving out is not something you can/are willing to do, it is best to not try and fight the issue and just find someone else who will.
2. Ask a close family member or friend to get ordained and officiate for you.
If you have someone else who you are close with that would be honored to marry you, ask if they are willing to get ordained and become a "ULC Minister" from the Multi-denominational Universal Life Church website— "By becoming an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, you'll be granted all the rights and privileges afforded to clergy members of other faiths — including the ability to perform legal wedding ceremonies. Ordination at the Universal Life Church is completely legal, is cost-free, and isn't complicated." However, you will want to check with your own state's laws on how to become legally ordained here. Please note: Virginia is the only state in the U.S. that consistently refuses to recognize ULC ordinations. You can check with the clerk in your county for more information.
3. Legally get married prior to your wedding day with a small, private ceremony.
I have had several friends privately marry in their backyards, or at the court, with their close family and friends present prior to their large wedding ceremony. All of these friends have said it was one of the best decisions they have ever made. It allowed them to have a clear conscious to live together while allowing them time to save money for their "actual" ceremony so they could still celebrate with extended family and friends.
If you are already living together, having sex, and ready to commit the rest of your lives to each other through marriage but the only thing that is stopping you from "legally" marrying is your financial situation, then consider quietly making it "official" prior to your actual wedding ceremony — especially if your official ceremony is not taking place relatively soon. There are actually many legal benefits to doing this other than religious reasons, for example, if you're married, you gain the status of "next-of-kin" for hospital visits, which grants you the ability to make medical decisions in the unfortunate event your spouse becomes sick or disabled. You cannot make decisions without proving official documentation of your marriage. Other benefits may include: Health Insurance Benefits, Inheritance Benefits, Paternity Child Benefits, IRA Benefits, Social Security Benefits, etc.
Anyways, all that to say, there are many things to consider. It is certainly not an easy topic to discuss and makes for a heated debate. However, hopefully you found this information helpful and you have a better idea of what steps you need to take, regardless of your decision.
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